by Faith Foyil

There are ten basic rules you should learn before driving in the Bahamas:

1. Murphy's Bahamian Auto Law states that if you're driving a new vehicle three mph over the speed limit, you will be stopped and ticketed, regardless of the guy in the '89 Chevy pickup that just passed you spewing out toxic levels of pollutants.

2. Try not to stumble onto an accident scene, festival, roadwork site, or parade. Bahamians will slow down to a crawl in order to mentally record every detail with which to later regale friends and family. Since there are often accidents, festivals, roadwork sites, and parades, you might simply consider leaving a novel in your glove compartment or packing a cooler of soft drinks and snacks in the car for emergency use. Or simply staying home.

3. Don't worry about being stuck on a little side street trying to pull out onto a busy main artery. The Bahamian on the main road will cordially stop to let you in, regardless of the fact he has the right of way. He'll not only let YOU in but also the five cars behind you as well, even if there are seven vehicles behind him wondering why there's a hold up.

4. A gas mask in the glove compartment may come in handy when you're stuck in traffic behind a slow-moving Payloader whose exhaust system was checked as recently as 1962.

5. Honk your horn and wave at honeymooning, helmet-less moped riders. Make sure you get a glimpse of their smiling, sunburned faces before they crash into the rocks up ahead and are whisked away by ambulance.

6. The Bahamian Road and Traffic Department people, like the British, are incredible practical jokers. They often place vague signs on the road that read "Slow Men at Work," to make you wonder whether they mean "Slow down, men are working here," or the more disparaging "Wow, these guys are really slow." Always be on guard. You may also stumble on what's clearly a roadwork site with no ambiguous "Slow Men at Work" sign at all. Try not to commit unintentional manslaughter by running over the phone company worker when he pops out of a manhole in the middle of the road to eat his lunch.

7. Save yourself aggravation by avoiding accidents with vehicles that look like they were recently imported from a south Florida Demolition Derby. The odds are good the driver won't have bothered with the time-consuming process of obtaining a license or insurance. Or perhaps even brakes.

8. Many roads post signs with different speed limits for cars (45 mph) and trucks (30 mph). But there is only ONE driving lane. If you decide to try to pass a bulldozer who's crawling at 18 mph, there's a good chance you'll be smashed by the oncoming angered driver on the other side of the road who's attempting to pass a bulldozer in front of him.

9. Don't tailgate too long behind the local family pulling out of Nassau International Airport following their Miami shopping trip. The five duffel bags and three boxes precariously dangling out of their trunk may dislodge, leaving you with miscellaneous clothing, a color TV, virgin truck tires, new pairs of "tennis" (sneakers), cases of formula, bulk-sized soap powder cartons, diapers and new bed linen crashing down onto your front hood.

10. Don't worry if your muffler's corroded. Your seven-second annual car inspection may cost over $100 and require a morning of paperwork after a long, hot wait in line, but your only requirements will be a horn that honks, lights that turn on and off, and an emergency brake handle that coordinates with your interior car decor.

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