What to Do When Your Loved One Should Stop Driving
by Courtney Caldwell
Americans
are living longer than ever before thanks to healthier lifestyles, increased exercise,
greater awareness about nutrition, and more advanced medications to either control
or delay the onset of typical old age maladies. If seniors can be found jogging
or playing tennis today, then when do they become too old to get behind the wheel
of an automobile?
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Seniors Want to Maintain Freedom |
My
parents are in their mid-80s and until last year were both in good physical and
mental health. Suddenly, my father began having seizures, which later turned out
to be the result of lung cancer. Although he is now on medication that prevents
seizures he has wisely removed himself from the road, just in case. Once a very
active man (he worked until he was 85), he is now a housebound senior who sleeps,
eats, watches TV and waits for the cancer to take his life. Without his mobility,
he's bored and looks forward to going to chemotherapy just
to get out of the house.
My
mother, on the other hand, insisted her driving skills were as sharp as ever.
However, after a few life-threatening trips to the grocery store as her passenger,
I knew she had to stop driving. She was driving dangerously close to the curb,
her reaction time was poor and she was missing stop signs and traffic lights.
Her driving was so bad that I forbade my 32-year-old adult daughter to ever ride
as a passenger with her.
This
is not to say everyone in their 80s should have their license taken away. There
are plenty of 50 and 60-year-olds who shouldn't be on the road either, which
leads to my point: it's not really a matter of age, but ability. Aging,
no matter how healthy you are, slows down our physical and neurological mobility.
Simple everyday tasks, once easy to perform, become more daunting. Slowly, our
independence is robbed as aging gives way, leaving driving as one of the last
frontiers of freedom we have. This makes it hard to tell a parent
or loved one that they shouldn't drive anymore because their ability is impaired
and they're a danger to themselves and others. If they don't recognize it themselves
they'll not only be hurt by the accusation but insulted as well. Expect them to
put up a fight.
Here
are a few tips to consider on how to make an evaluation on a parent's driving
ability before you approach them.
If
you begin to notice a change in a parent's driving ability such as driving slower,
poor reaction time to lights and signs, more timid about faster drivers, reluctant
to drive on the freeway, driving erraticly, then the first thing you want to do
is ask in a subtle way how he or she has been feeling lately.
Listen for any unusual
complaints like more tired than usual, not seeing as well, lethargic, hearing
seems impaired, etc. Pay attention to his or her behavior around the house. Is
anything out of the norm? Could it be a case of overmedication? When was the last
time he or she had a check-up? Perhaps you should go on the next appointment to
ask questions. Quite often, our parents won't admit to physical ailments, so we
have to take charge.
The
first thing you should do is rule out any medical causes for the change in driving
habits. If it's not a medical problem then very likely it is just the wrath of
old age slowing down the senses. For some it's simply their sight, for others
it could be hearing, or just a slowing reaction time, most of which have reasonable
solutions.
Offer to go on little trips to the store or barber shop, the cleaners or
movies with them. Observe for yourself their driving skills to note
if anything is different. Is either parent driving in a manner that could cause
an accident, or worse, put them in harms way?
If
you notice a difference in driving ability, you should then call a family
meeting to discuss your findings. This may be more difficult for some
since your family may be spread out across the country. However, you could do
a conference call or an online discussion.
Siblings
who live near the parents should do their own evaluation and then regroup to compare
findings. If you find that one of your parents is just too dangerous on the road,
you need to develop a plan on how to address the situation. Every family is different
so what may work for one, may not work for another. You need to develop your own
plan on what works best for your situation.
The
most important thing to remember is to be as gentle and caring as possible. Be
prepared to offer your observations without sounding accusatory. Remember,
you're taking away their freedom so it won't be easy. Expect them to be angry
and rebellious but don't hold it against them. Put yourself in their shoes. Let
them know you're doing this because you love them, want them to be safe and
are prepared to help them in any way you can.
You
must have a plan in place for whom will handle all their errands, doctor appointments,
and visits to their friends. It can become extremely time-intensive to become
a chauffer every day amidst your own busy lifestyle. But someone has to help so
work towards getting them on a schedule where all siblings, grandchildren, other
relatives and friends, work as a team to take turns with grocery shopping, and
doctor visits. Perhaps you can incorporate some of their errands into your own
schedule so you don't have to do those errands twice.
Taking
away a parent's driving privileges is a difficult thing to do so keep in mind
that you may not succeed. The last thing any aging parent wants to do in their
golden years is depend on you or anyone else for help, especially if he or she
has always been independent. So before you share your concerns with your parents,
have a plan in place that will be easy and simple to follow, one that won't interfere
with their normal routine too much.
With
my parents, it's a family endeavor. Siblings, adult grandchildren, sisters and
brothers all pitch in. Some do errands, some cook meals or bring meals to them,
and some simply visit them since they're now housebound most of the time.
Be
sure to contact family and friends to encourage consistent visits to help prevent
your parents from getting lonely or depressed. Arrange times for them to get out
and visit as well, perhaps every Saturday or Sunday for a few hours. There are
senior organizations in every community that offer activities, events and driving
services. Check into them. The most common cause for suicide among the elderly
is loneliness and boredom. No one should die that way, let alone a parent.
It's
our responsibility to ensure that safe driving habits are practiced not only by
our children, but by our aging parents as well. Take good care of them, and treat
them with the same dignity and respect that you would want for yourself when you're
their age. It's never as far away as we think. | 